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The first one is silly:
There is this conjurer who works as an entertainer on a cruise ship (let's call it the Titanic). As part of his act, he has a parrot, which (of course) speaks.
Now, the magician and the parrot do not get on well. Whenever the conjurer tries to perform a trick, for instance making a passenger's pocket watch `disappear', the parrot feels duty bound to explain how it works, squawking ``It's in 'is pocket! It's in 'is pocket!'' or whatever. But the parrot is a popular part of the act, so the magician can't simply wring its neck.
Now, one dark night, the ship collides with an iceberg and begins to sink. With water pouring in from all sides, the conjurer fights his way past the panicking third-class passengers, and considers himself lucky to survive, just managing to cling to a piece of floating debris.
``Well,'' he thinks, ``this has been a pretty terrible evening. But at least I'm rid of that fucking parrot.'' At which point, he hears a familiar squawk from the other end of the plank:
``OK, I give up. What did you do with the ship?''
The second is slightly coarse:
Mrs. Jones decides that she wants to brighten up her suburban home, so she decides to buy a parrot from her local pet shop. So she goes down to Pets'R'Us, and asks the sales clerk what they have available in the parrot line.
Unfortunately, the man explains, the only parrot they have in at the moment previously lived in a brothel, and the clerk warns Mrs. Jones that it may have picked up some crude expressions. ``Ah well,'' she thinks, ``it won't take long to sort that out.''
So, she buys the parrot and takes it home in a covered cage. She puts the cage in the lounge, and takes the cover off it. The parrot looks around the room, and remarks, ``Oooh! New brothel!'' Then, it sees Mrs. Jones, and exclaims, ``New brothel! New madam!''
Mrs. Jones is slightly perturbed by this, but decides that all will come right in the end. Just then, her daughter enters; noticing her, the parrot says, ``Oooh! New brothel! New madam! New girls!'' Mrs. Jones ushers her daughter out of the room, hoping that the parrot will quickly mend its ways.
At that moment, Mr. Jones comes back from work. The parrot says, ``Hmm. New brothel, new madam, new girls. Hello Derek!''
Copyright (c) 2001 Chris Lightfoot. All rights reserved.