How to steal a bicycle

I've had contact with Cambridgeshire Police Force three times this year.

  1. My cycle helmet was stolen. I telephoned the police the following day to report it. They had it but it was 'evidence' so I wasn't allowed to have it back for about six weeks until the perpetrator had been to court and been sentenced.
  2. My cat was run over and a police office attended. 'We do not have a legal responsibility to keep records of accidents involving cats so we don't'.
  3. My bike was stolen from Cambridge Railway Station. 'We do not have jurisdiction, you need to report it to the British Transport Police'. 'No, we won't take any details of your bike in case we recover it'. 'No, we don't know if the Transport Police will pass details on'.

In summary, if you want to steal a bicycle, nick it from the railway station so the police won't have any records.

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